Chopping Block (2016) Reviews

• You All Can Make Something Better

  jpmellow2017-03-09

  I caught this movie on Amazon the other night. I like to watch indie horror movies and an assortment of oddball things late at night during the week. They help me wind down the day, I suppose. Many of these I enjoy, others I don't I can generally dismiss and not give a second thought to. This is a rare occasion when I wasn't thrilled with the movie, but I'm compelled to discuss it. In my opinion, Chopping Block is not good, but I can tell it was made by people who CAN make a good movie. I don't mean for that to sound idiotic or condescending; let's see if I can clarify my point. The performances in this movie are not great, but I found the actors likable. The largest issue for me was that it's a movie completely about the characters, but no one is quite developed or compelling. So much of the dialogue feels like an improv exercise, but nobody appears to know their character's motivation — and that's the ENTIRE film. The scenes are stretched incredibly thin, and all they're running on is this dialogue that meanders and often sounds forced. Don't make it an acting showcase until the actors have some palpable chemistry. When Chopping Block doesn't rely entirely on the actors, it looks solid and doesn't have a "cheap" feel to it. The picture is sharp, the lighting is good. In fact, the minimal camera work is good too, but is way better suited for a more seasoned ensemble. The sparse soundtrack is unique and fun, but there isn't much of it. The music montages have a lively feel, but the energy on the screen doesn't match the tone. Regarding the story, there's just so little of one. A team of employees lose their jobs, and after a month, decide to plan a kidnapping of the boss's daughter to extort money from him. Turns out, the team's entire plan consists of parking outside of their home and snatching her when they see her. Also, they're not sure which house is her's. Also, at the exact same time they're waiting for her, she's walking home from being the sole survivor of a mass killing. Nothing in this movie is earned — it just happens. It doesn't feel like a wholehearted comedy or horror flick, although it has elements of both. You know SOMEthing is going to happen, but that may only be because the title of this thing is Chopping Block, and the first character we see is splattered with blood. (Note: The opening scene I'm referring to doesn't actually introduce any real peril; it's a vague, ultimately silly scene of a bloodied girl walking down the road, getting willingly picked up by a group of inept strangers. There's no threat or actual dilemma introduced, and it's not particularly funny or scary, it's just presented as a thing that happens) So much time passes by after we see that grisly-looking character, and so much aimless talking between the not-particularly-distinct characters goes on, that you nearly forget that people could be hacked to pieces by the end of this thing. Anything that approaches action or suspense in CB happens in the final 20 minutes of the movie, when there's almost a complete tonal shift and another movie is awkwardly shoe-horned into the rambling, half-baked comedy you've been watching. Also worth mentioning is that there are SO MANY allusions to things that happened, but we see very little ACTUALLY happening. I'm not saying that in and of itself is a misstep, but there's so little momentum driving this thing that when something actually happens, it feels awkward and out of place. This all might make it sound like I hated this movie. Well, I kinda did, but in such a way that had me thinking "You all can do better!" I stayed with it because it had the markings of potential. It didn't deliver, but also I'm not super disappointed — I still feel like there's good stuff in there, it just needs to be fine-tuned. I'll be very interested to see how the next one turns out.

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• Gormless

  Leofwine_draca2018-05-10

  CHOPPING BLOCK is the typical kind of gormless indie comedy/horror flick doing the rounds these days. The story has a bunch of disgruntled workers kidnapping their boss's daughter after getting laid off. They hope to ransom her but instead find themselves ambushed by your friendly neighbourhood psychopath instead. Neither gory nor funny, this merely features embarrassingly amateurish acting and characters goofing around in a workplace.

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• Let's be kidnappers

  nogodnomasters2017-09-02

  Five characters get laid off and decide to kidnap the new bosses daughter (Haley Madison) for ransom. The five are rank amateurs who tell a lot of anal sex jokes, especially Will (Bryan Wilson) who has gay innuendos. Donnie (Michael Malone) is the leader of the group and likes to drink. Steve (Raymond Kester) needs money for his daughter's (Melissa Revels) wedding. Hilary (Jas Sams) is the token female in the gang, and perhaps had some of the best lines. The kidnapping doesn't go as planned.... This is a low budget film with some of the expected drawbacks such as minor sound issues and camera work. However, they had what works and doesn't cost anything. They had a clever script, funny dialogue, and people who were tailored for the dialogue. It worked for me. More comedy than horror. Guide: F-words. No sex, brief movie nudity.

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• A Slightly Above Average Black Comedy

  NozinAroun812017-03-13

  Yet another obscure little horror flick recommended to me by Ewen MacIntosh (Big Keith from The Office UK). Judging by the title and the poster, you'll probably be expecting a gore-fest, but it's actually more of a black comedy along the lines of HORRIBLE BOSSES. I'm not sure if it's the acting, the direction or the script that lets it down a bit but essentially the characters are fairly well-drawn, there's a smattering of witty dialogue and the odd laugh-out-loud moment. It also reminded me of an obscure little gem called SEVERANCE... but if you've already seen that... and you're in the mood for some mindless black humour... you could do a lot worse than CHOPPING BLOCK. For more suggestions, check out my list: HORROR/THRILLER: OBSCURE, OVERLOOKED & UNDERRATED http://www.imdb.com/list/ls008092160/

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